Sunday, June 24, 2007

The All-Trac

Dan has an All-trac! It's even more intimidating in person!

The All-trac (a.k.a. Twiggy/Urabus/Defender of the Mediterranean) is the greatest car know to man. It's the best thing to happen to automobiles since Moses invented the combustion reaction. The heritage of the Toyota Corolla All-Trac goes back to the 3rd century when the first All-Trac was spawned on the Rock of Gibraltar by Gramiculmitus, the lord. Good od' Grammy needed a trusted warrior-mobile to defend the Mediterranean region from cyborg invasion.
He traveled into the future and borrowed some design concepts of the Toyota Corolla wagon. He took the specs back and made some modifications to the drivetrain and interior to optimize the cyborg fighting abilities of the vehicle. Basically, he added full-time all wheel drive, missile launchers, a sophisticated autopilot system involving voles and nutria on spinning wheels, and a digital clock.

Well, history tells us that Mediterranean cultures never were overrun by the relentless aquatic cyborg attacks, so we can only assume that the All-Trac fleet did its job pretty well. Needless to say, Gramiculmitus owed a mighty favor to the fine folks at Toyota for stealing their design. To avoid a nasty lawsuit, the lord went back into the future and shared his suped up Corolla with the R & D department. They loved it. There were some modifications that had to be made to sell it on a civilian market, but the overall concept was great.

Toyota kept the all wheel drive and upgraded it with a center differential lock for getting stuck in mud, snow, or tall speed bumps. They wanted to keep the autopilot system and upgrade it by replacing the nutria with hamsters for added cuteness. Regretably, however, the folks at PETA got word of it and broke into the lab that January, destroyed lots of equipment, and set free every caged animal in the place. With it being January, all the cute little hamsters froze to death before making it across the street and were flattened by motorists driving to work the next morning.

The missile launchers weren't really kosher under the Geneva Convention, but the housings still looked cool, so the engineers put speakers in them. Big thumping 4" factory stock 15 watt speakers. They also kept the digital clock.

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